| BACK TO XANGA BITCHES |
[Jan. 17th, 2005|07:15 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  energetic | ] |
I LEFT ! OHHH NO : ( . BACK TO XANGA BC I FELT LIKE IT : ) . LATERRR
WWW.XANGA.COM/MY___BEAUTIFUL_MISTAK3E
YOU SHOOD ALSO CHECK OUT BECCAS .. WHICH I MADE =D
WWW.XANGA.COM/BROKEN_HEART_XO |
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| pull the trigger and the nightmare stops <33 |
[Jan. 17th, 2005|02:59 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  cant explain in words | ] |
so ive been up for a while just thinking. andd. idk but uhh i dont know how to say this. but . whatever im so pathetic i dont even care anymore. ive been up all night stuffing my face. i have the biggest stomach ache. now i know why ppl and im so fat lol . well anyway .
i often think about when and how im gunna die. it sucks. woww im soo dumb im problie the biggest loser on the face of this earth but whatever. god man . take a second and think about it. what if were all thinking wrong like this is just someone else dream!?. or like everything around us is fake just to make us think and learn !? . i mean think about it . WHAT THE HELL HAPPENS WHEN YOU DIE!? why do we hurt if it doesnt pay off in the end. what do we learn? i get scared at the fact that i know i did someting stupid and i just wasted a day of my life. come on. i mean i know im gunna die. its not that big of a deal lmao . but its not like i know its gunna happen. but when? how ? whats gunna happen when im gone? where am i gunna go? will i live actually live the rest of my life somewhere else? or will i be someone else? what if im "reborn" into someone else and i dont remeber anyone. im scared yo. what if i died already and i am already someone else. why dont i remember any of the ppl i come in contact with !? damn man. i dont know what to think anymore. its scary to think that if i die im not gunna rememeber any of my friends or even my family. oh my god. is this how im gunna spend my life!? im soo stupid. what if i die tmw?! what if i die 3243209 years from now but never really did anything. maybe i was already this person. or maybe i was a fatass that had no friends. i wnat to know . whats gunna happen? what happened? i dont mean to get anyone thinking or upset . its just that im a curious person. i like to ask questions. but the thing is . i never know who to ask . woww i guess thats why little kids never want to grow up lol . woww. but like this could always be someones dream. i mean the things that happen or happened in our world isnt it a little crazy!? like horrible things that only ones mind like a nightmare could happen. thats the thing . i feel stupid but anyway . when theres thousands of people dieing i feel like its not real . i guess its because i dont want it to be real . but it never feels. for real until something like that happens to me. i have that kind of mind that thinks 'oh that cant happen to me' but im just dumb like that. but what if were in this big bubble of someone else's dream. and when we die is when they wake up!?. what if this is heaven !? i mean we all think that heaven is this perfect white place but . come on wake up . whats perfect nowadays!?. what if we died and and are in heaven . and when we die hear were 'reborn' !? i just confused myself a little but think about it. where are we REALLY . guys im scared. i want to be more then justtt.. a girl living in jersey i want to be .. something someone. i want to be someone that can speak my mind in front of thousands of people . and say what should have been said. ive always wanted to make a differnce. thats just who i am .and i guess what im saying is when i die what wil happen ? what will be the differnce between me being here and not? these kind of questions arent sad orrr me trying to get people to say aww kathy . noo thats not what im saying. im just asking but you know . no one knows the answers which sucks even more. i want to know to many things. i cantt sit back and not care. i care too much . i want to know . well whatever. yeahh soo ive been thinking okay other stuff too . . i was talking to im my peeps. and i found out some stuff about myself and other people. wwell like everyone wants to "return" as cat would say lol . they want to return to when they were happy. like were ever you were happiest you want to go back to that. it can even be a person. if that person made you happy you want to go back to them if its a place you want to go back . most of the time its not the place or the person its the HAPPINESS that your really after and its hidden behind such things. i dont know but do you think you should go back to your happy "spot" or should you just wait till you find another happy "spot" but what if the place that made you happiest got floaded? then what? do you still go back even though it hurt to know your place was damaged ?. i dont know but whatever. lmaoo that was funny . well im out. i think i should lay off the thinking for a little while :) lol later. i love you <33 |
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| pardon me while i burst into flames <333 |
[Jan. 16th, 2005|03:30 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  headache, & dizzy | ] |
hey guyss. im kinda in a blah mood. idk i woke up this morning and it just felt like a day to do nothing. i think im gunna read a book lol. its called holly black its pretty kool . yeahh well today i just feel soo depressed soo sad. idk why but i do . ive been listening to old songs kinda sad i know but whatever. i didnt get to update yesterday bbc lj was being gay but its all good bc then i would have nothing to do today :D lol . well anyway . im listening to coheed woo this song is amazinggg. well anyway me weeked. ahh weekend it has been going great. ive been haveing fun actually idk different i suppose lol . okay well friday me & katie made plans to go to the mall with her gangstaaass lol . soo we all went to ruby tuesdays . oh man that was soo funny we had the best time . i think i dont friday i ever stopped laughing with those girls lol . soo after dinner we walked around being kool lol . and then went to katies. there we talked andd laughed some more lol . its top secret information :) lol . soo then we all went home then sat. i had to clean my room but after i went with rebecca and maria to the cheer competition it was my first one it wasnt that bad.we met katie and kasey there. then we sat with sara and monika. ohhh myyy godd okay . well were watching ppl perform. some girl lost her hairr !! soo i was screaming THERES A RAT THERES A RAT ! bc the cheerleaders where fake hair soo it was just this culy blob on the floor it was funny . then they were dopping like freakin.. idk but when ppl fell i laughed at them soo hard lol . andd then one team i saw this guy and i was asking maria if he looked like the guy jim from mtv AND IT WAS HIM !! IT WAS CAMP JIM!! lmaoo . soo the whole time me and maria were screaming CAMERA ON CAMERA OFF !! LMAOO it was amazingg lol . i have so much fun with them. so then we went home and i watched some movies and talked on the fone with bec. then i played with dave a little and went to sleep . today i woke up and blehh . yeahh so im still listening to coheed <33 and incubus lol. well i wanted to sayy umm ppl i hope you know you can comment without a username lol . soo thats my story of the my weekend. the end. have a nice day :D
no matter how much it hurts. your feelings never change even when hes with someone else <33
i love you. but im not sure. if you feel the same <33
]|[edit]|[4:30][
Slowly the pen touches paper in the guidance of the words that you write. Memories roll in; of the things you once did .and who you had shared them with. Is somebody thinking of you? i love this <333
becca: oh no.. yu have that disease its called
becca: thinkofhimispazz..its deadly..once wen he talked to me i ran into a wall
lmaoo. hahah right.i love you
hehe i wanted to show that . idk why but i did. |
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| eternal sunshine in the spotless mind <3 |
[Jan. 12th, 2005|04:00 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  hyper but tired. wierd mood. | ] |
well i think that qoute is right. well anyway . no bomb threats woop woop . i dont even care anymore. skool sucks. lifee sucks take a number lol . :) well i have some plans for this weekend. very excited. top secret lmaoo . but ill tell you this friday me and katie and a bunch of ppl might go to the movies. :) yayyy! i havent hung out with them in the longest time. well got to go take care of dave [[ also top secret | i feel like a ninja soo sneakyyy lmaoo ]] well later my dear children
ohh yeah big shocker .... i think i changed my favorite color !! =0 . i shall share this information with only the kooooolll people lol . woww too hyper lol .
ohh and . samm LMAOO HE RAN INTO A BUSHHH hehe lol . thats worse then mee lol
later my children <33 |
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| i close my eyes count to ten hope everythings over when i open them <3 |
[Jan. 10th, 2005|02:39 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  ehh im okay i guess | ] |
so i think friday was the scarest day of my life. lol. okay well i didnt talk much about friday . soo i guess i will now bc im bored :) soo i go to skool it was alright the day went on and in home ec. which im with becca we were all just talking and then all of a sudden there was an anoucment that was like were on lock down . my teacher fliped out telling everyone to shut up. she was shaking and was scared i could tell she was gunna like freakin cry . soo i kept myself busy. i was fine at times i got scared but when no one knew anything it knew it was serious. so we went outside. then sat in the cold and me and bec listened to some music. well then after i went to the snowboarding trip . wow that was amazing i had soo much fun with katie jess and rebecca. it was great. the bus was amazing. some of it sucked ass . but since i was iwth my girlies lol it was awesome. soo anyway yeahh yesaterday i was soo sore and coodnt move. and the day before that was even worse. umm weekend sucked. today woo well today i heard we were having an evancuation and i wanted it idk why but i just did i want to be with my friends. soo i was with maria and kattie and ali and a whole bunch of ppl i had fun . and esha is soo funny lol . thats all i have to say . well then the day went on. blahh dont feel like talking now . some hott kid read my mail on myspace. wooooo yeahh lol . :) well later <3 |
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